What The Land Before Time XIII should have been like.

When I was a nipper, it was one of my biggest pleasures to watch The Land Before Time series of animated films. I mean, what red-blooded boy wouldn't have that in his top ten activities? It's got dinosaurs in it, and it's a cartoon; a winning formula if there ever was one. But over time, I got bored of those simple movies, preferring instead to watch more traumatising flicks. However, it has recently came to my attention that they're still making them, and XIII is the latest in the series. It's due to be released in November, and when I found out I just sat there, thinking not only "do people still watch that stuff?" and "holy hell, what a missed opportunity!"

As you all know, 13 is an unlucky number. Combined with a Friday, it's practically Apocalypse Now; it's the ghoulish version of 9/11. Today is Halloween, an annual version of Apocalypse Now, and more commercialised. It doesn't take a whole lot of thinking to combine the two together, and think: "I have an excellent idea, what say we forget about this bound-to-be-boring plotline of friendship and youth, and give the kids what they really want to see? Zombie Dinosaurs!"

I am aware of the fact that The Land Before Time movies are not known for their controversy. Their targeted audience are kids who haven't heard of "homosexuality" yet, and if they ever did hear of it (which their parents wouldn't approve of) they would quite likely twist their face and assume that Jesus would deal with these people personally. But I propose that half the kids who watch the damn series wouldn't mind it at all if there were more scenes of dinosaurs being ripped to shreds by Sharptooth.

Speaking of Sharptooth, I think it would be an excellent plot-twist for him to come back to life and lead the zombie army into battle. Let's face it, there's been no better villain in the series than the fucking massive T-Rex who was the first villain, and his demise (being drowned under a rock) was one of the biggest cop-outs ever. Where were the ridiculous amounts of blood? Instead of being torn to pieces at the hands of a similarly dangerous creature, he had trouble swimming in a pond. And I apologise if I just spoilt the first film for anyone, but you should really watch awesome films sooner.

Sharptooth in Land Before Time XIII.

I also think that Spike should be zombified. It's nothing that I have against him, being as he is the jolliest of all the group, but this idea appeals to me for three reasons:

1. He is already terminally slow, which means he can fit into his new role perfectly. His facial expression is normally the standard face of a brain-fried carnivore anyway. Like the bully that would kick you in the shin at school. Fair enough, his is an expression of happiness rather than mild indigestion, but just imagine said bully was bought a new car. That kind of face.
2. As slow as he would be, having Spike stomping up to you, trying to bite your face off, would be absolutely terrifying and much more memorable than anything that "Hi guys, I use a lot of petrol for my chainsaw!" Leatherface guy could manage. Having him mutter incoherently as he chews your flesh would probably be the worst part.
3. Whenever Spike is there, happily trotting along, you get the impression that while danger could reach the group, nothing bad could ever come of it, because Spike is never fucking worried. He's just got a massive obnoxious grin that in my view hides the soul of an omniscient being, put on Earth to provide comic relief and other niceties. Remove Spike from the group, and place him as an antagonist, and start running as fast as you can, because Spike is gonna get you.

I was going to edit this image badly in Paint to give Spike a more zombie-like apperance, but on second thoughts that fucker is already scary enough. Is he yawning or opening his mouth to eat someone whole? Holy fuck.

Now that we've established why Spike would be the uber-zombie (and really, if it gets too scary for the little 'uns, he could always get turned back in a scene fit to be the dictionary definition of "Deus Ex Machina"), I also think we should consider the possibility that Littlefoot and Cera should get it on. And by "on" I mean having sexual intercourse. Now, I'm not into bestiality, but it would be the natural evolution...

(sorry about that. I had to go down to have a plate of Beans on Toast, with hot-dogs. Oh, and there was the small matter of answering the door three hundred times to give bratty little kids one or two awful-tasting sweets while making witty remarks about their shit costumes.)

....of their relationship, and it would be the perfect sexual education for children, having two of their favourite characters Making Magic would effectively tutor children on the ways of "sticking it in her pooper." I think that they might be underage, but in this movie they'd be at least sixteen. It is, after all, a zombie movie. You need to have teens in it somewhere.

But just because they're of consensual age doesn't mean that old Grandpa can't lecture them on not going to the Dinosaur Graveyard, only to be completely ignored and ridiculed when the group decide unanimously to go to the Dinosaur Graveyard. As that has been the base plotline of every single movie so far - senile old man tells naive playful kids not to venture into Point of Danger X, while being conveniently ignored - I can't see why we should break tradition now, especially considering the importance of this fact. "Don't go to graveyards or you'll have your face digested by the undead." One of the main facts of life, that.

I think we can all agree that my version of the thirteenth movie is far far better than the one coming out in a matter of weeks. All they really have to do is scrap that pitiful idea, ring me up to get the rights for the idea, and then give a further ring to ol' George Romero.

And then ring up me again with an offer to direct when Romero turns them down.

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