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20 October 2007

The case against: Swans

I normally consider myself to be quite a mild-mannered, calm man with a definite lack of hatred running through my veins, but occasionally this stature towards the world is broken when unavoidable yet infuriating concepts and entities present themselves. Therefore, I have decided to share with you my hates, the things that get my blood boiling so badly by the end of thinking about it I've already killed several innocent people.

The first of these hates is something that used to scare me when I was a little nipper. Actually, perhaps "scare" is the wrong word. A better (group of) word(s) would be "petrify with great conviction". Meeting this malformation of creatures would be like the child-form of the Day of Judgement, where instead of Saint Peter you get a great white beast with apparently no eyes looking at you, trying to get in close so it can peck your hand off. It hisses at you like you're the greatest inconvenience it has ever suffered, and soon you'll be lying on the ground, blood dripping to the floor. In short, this animal is the Cthulhu of childhood.

I'm talking about swans.


Now, most people seem to think that they're the royalty of the sea or something. Other aquatic creatures see them, and they move out of the way, looking on as they "gracefully" glide to where they want to be. But I see them as more of a mob, those animals move out of the way not because they feel as if the beings they are likely to upset are better than them, or have more rights, but because they'll get ripped to shreds if they don't. Big Tony the Swan will not tolerate other animals acting as if they have a right to exist.

Because, let's not kid ourselves. Swans are horrible vicious creatures with no empathy towards anyone or anything. They are undeniably beautiful, but so were Sirens. Hell, so is Poison Ivy, but while you wouldn't necessarily want to have intercourse with a swan, their appearance is deceptive. You're lulled in, you want to go up to them and stroke them, or give them a piece of bread, but then you hear that hiss. It is the blood-curdling cry of Satan's duck.

I wouldn't mind swans so much if they just kept themselves to themselves and didn't interfere with anything that didn't involve them, but let me ask you a question. Have you ever tried to feed ducks while swans are about? It truly is a horrific vision, and one that philosophers probably argue is a mirror to the human race. As soon as a bread crumb falls to the ground, the swans are on it, leaving the less fortunate, but much more peaceful ducks, hungry. It is your duty to the rest of the duck world that, next time you're distributing bread products to our webbed-foot friends, you make sure the swans are distracted with the cries of some small child, while you selflessly and heroically give the underdogs a well-needed piece of Warburton's.

You want further prove that swans are evil? They are the national animal of Denmark. Do you know what also comes from Denmark? That's right, the Vikings. Perhaps I'm a little biased here as the Vikings practically raped my country and through them the most pure Britons you'll get in this country all live in Wales (which is really embarrassing), but those two as a combo would be even more horrific than the upcoming Alvin and the Chipmunks movie.

I can almost imagine ten thousand heavily armed Vikings riding into battle on the backs of ten thousand hissing swans. When Aragorn was talking about the day that the hope of men fails, he was obviously talking about that day. The last battle at Mordor was a cakewalk compared to what that would be like.

And just to prove that I'm not utterly proud of Britain, according to Wikipedia, the Queen "retains the right to ownership of all unmarked mute swans in open water". This is the same Queen that had Princess Diana killed (kudos to you, conspiracy fans!), and only smiles when ten thousand or more people are waving at her. And whilst we're on the subject, British tabloid/toilet roll The Sun once claimed that immigrants had been eating the Queen's swans. I know fine well this story isn't true. No one would eat a swan. But a swan would eat you.

But wait, the tale gets suddenly worse. Yes, even worse than the blatant swan propaganda that is the Ugly Duckling. For in Australia there is a horrid abomination of feathers. To call it a living thing would be truthful yes, but it would likely make you lose hope in this whole life thing. I spotted one while on my holidays in August, and I've only just stopped having nightmares.


Yes, it is a black swan (and, incidentally, another one behind it). These, truly, are the bane of humanity. Within their black form lies the beating heart of a thing devoid of emotions, of concepts like love, honour, decency, and friendship.

Friends, I propose a crusade. Pick up your guns and harmful household utensils! Swans cast a dark shadow on this world, and our only choice is to butcher them all!

They are planning the same thing upon us.


10 comments:

Sinoda said...

I laughed. And fully agree swans must be destroyed. They attacked my mother and I when we were picking flowers when I was like, 8.

Anonymous said...

swans rape

robit said...

i lol'd

Carlos said...

I actually didn't know a thing about swans, I'm truly shocked and angry.

Fucking swans.

Gunship Bruce said...

Swans are dicks, that's a fact.

Katana said...

I have the perfect YouTube clip to go along with this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RdUXxYB2Bzc
It's quiet now...they came from the blackness.

(actually made by my brother...he likes trailers)

clammy said...

Swans were awesome... heavier than 99% of so-called heavy metal bands today.

Hipster Doofus said...

lmao. The Ugly Duckling is totally swan propaganda.

David B. said...

You are absolutely right! Swans are very territorial vicious birds. They are beautiful and graceful, but so is a tiger. A tiger will attack you if you're there and its hungry. A swan doesn't need to be hungry.

That ugly duckling story was either written by the swan illuminati, or by some jerk who never met a swan in the wild. If a bunch of ducks teased a baby swan, those ducks would be force-fed an enormous can of whup-ass.

Anonymous said...

zeus raped helens mom as a swan. thats coz swans rape.