The Cognitively Challenged Person's Guide to Writing Like a Big Shot

If I know the vast majority of you as well as I think I do, then I already know you better than I'd like. I also know that none of you mentally deficient boobs could write a half-way decent penis joke if you had your pants unzipped and a thesaurus in your free hand. Hell, you guys would probably find a way to screw up a joke about Microsoft and erectile dysfunction. Consequently, in my constant struggle to make the world an altogether more awesome place, I believe it's time I gave plebes such as yourself a lesson in proper writing etiquette so that you too can go from an enormous douchebag with an over-inflated ego to an enormous douchebag with an over-inflated ego who can also write short, quippy comebacks and subtle references about bedding with other peoples' mothers. (Note in advance that this article could result in the reader feeling delusions of adequacy or self-importance. These feelings should subside by the end of your next day at your dead end job or your next trip to the DMV.)


Subject Matter


The first and foremost thing you should consider before writing anything about anything is figuring out what the hell you're going to write about. Don't even try to start without a damn good idea of what issue you're going to dance around for twelve paragraphs whilst you madly try to turn everything into a shitty pun or veiled sexual reference (consider it practice for when you run for congress). Firstly, remember that your readers never want to see anything remotely controversial or within the realms of sanity. They're always just looking for a quick read and a cheap laugh so they can bring some passing joy to their empty, joyless, sexless existence. Remember that when you're writing for some idiotic, ungrateful little shits to bring some passing joy to YOUR empty, joyless, sexless existence. Secondly, consider the interests and age of your scummy cesspool of an audience and try to pick a subject based off of that. To aid you, I've composed a brief list of age groups and the main interests thereof;
13-18: Sex jokes, video games

19-35: Gratuitous sex jokes, video games, pretending to be important

36-60: Clean wholesome activities, sex jokes

60+: Bran, smelling bad, driving slow, Viagra jokes


Title


The main thing you need to remember about the title is that it's the attention getter of your literary masterpiece. The title is the thing that introduces the reader to your article before it is unveiled to the reader and the full glory of it is imprinted in their brain forever more. As such, it needs to be interesting and big. But mostly big. It's like the bulge in your pants; the bigger it is, the more people will stop, point, and stare at it. Then you reveal unto them the whole thing in all its shining awesomeness.


Content


I have only two real tips here, but they are incredibly important, so take note and remember this advice, for it will serve you well in your future endeavours of funny-making.


1. Everything must be a joke


I cannot stress this enough. No matter what, your ultimate goal is to keep your reader interested, and if you're not telling a joke or building up a punchline, then you can essentially discard whatever you just wrote because no one gives a shit if it isn't piss your pants funny. So you always want to make sure that your readers walk away from your article more enrinched by the experience and with at least one less pair of good shorts.


2. Dick jokes

They're funny.

Varying Your Language


English is a nifty little language in that there are a dozen different ways to say just about everything. In fact, there are literally over ten terms for a penile erection. So just remember to toss it up a little bit here and there. For example, instead of saying "idiot faggot bastard douchebag," twice in a row, you could instead substitute it for "moronic gay-wad fatherless vagina-licker."


Dealing With Writer's Block


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